How to Overcome the Stress that all Mothers Know

“I came to get the rest of my stuff,” announced my daughter as she walked in the door on a visit from Nashville where she has been living for the last six months.  And with those words I felt my quiet desperation stirring.  “Came to get the rest of your stuff?” the words echoed back in my head.  “You mean like ‘sayonara, adios, see ya later and good riddance’??” I thought to myself.  Overcome with a sense of melancholy, my thoughts raced, remembering how strange it has been to progress from the stages of “still-living-with-parents” to “oh boy, she’s on her own and I’m gonna miss her” to “oh no, she’s never coming back”  to “how the heck did I get to be 63?  Now I AM my mother”  to “I am several steps closer to the grave!”  Talk about monkey mind!  I can taste the bananas in my mouth.

I consider myself a fairly aware person after nine years of mindfulness and meditation practice.  But every once in a while I am clearly reminded that I am not free from the pains of human nature.  Fear of change.  Attachment.  Resistance.  Push-pull (of the heart strings?)  It just walked in the door from Nashville.

And so my biggest challenge rears its ugly head once again:  I AM A MASTER AT BEING ATTACHED. I am attached to a fantasy that I wanted but never got as a child, that of consistent and open dialogue between mother and daughter.  After all, I breastfed the kid until forever, I carried her in that darn sling for hours on end and I tried to show my emotions in the most authentic ways possible.  Funny, back in the day it was called “attachment parenting.”  Ha ha, who’s laughing now?  And who, by the way, is attached to whom???

Digging deeper, I realize that witnessing her freedom (oh, that exciting life stretching before her;  I remember the thrill of possibilities when I moved from Michigan all the way to Oregon at her age) takes me back to my past which fills me with that black hole of “where did my youth go/I will never have that hopeful exuberance again/ I thought getting older would take longer/I never thought it would happen to me.” (Sigh.) Then it hits me right between the eyes:  I am in the past and the future, but not even close to the present.  Again.

Awareness leads me to step off that roller coaster.  RIGHT NOW my daughter is happy, healthy and making a life for herself.  My attachment to our respective outcomes is misplaced focus on the future and a surefire formula for anxiety and stress.  (Like I’ve never heard THAT one before!!!)  Being attached to what I imagine COULD be coming around the corner is wasted energy.  I take a deep breath and return to Planet Here and Now, remembering that present-time EFFORT is what creates success in the future and is all I need to work with in this moment.

So, with good effort, we packed her car with “stuff” and said our bittersweet goodbyes (for now.)  And as she drove away, I couldn’t help but notice that her path, after 24 years, leads away from this house while mine, after 63 years, has brought me right here, right now to this front porch, letting go.

Kathy B